My Secret Starbucks Shame

The reason I always order the same thing at Starbucks is because I am afraid to order something else and screw it all up. Like I am afraid I will say “Give me a grande iced (insert drink here) with extra (insert something else here).” And they will be all “Dude, one, you cannot get a (whatever) iced because then it wouldn’t be a (whatever) and secondly, you can’t get extra (something) because (whatever) doesn’t even have (something) in it to begin with.” And then I will get judged and laughed out of Starbucks while I am pelted with stirring sticks and coffee flavored ridicule.

Starbucks is a lot like high school in that way. It is all about status, and who gets the right… whatever (I was never good at that and never had the right anything, no matter how hard I tried.) People sitting around in their little social groups, all judging one another shamelessly, and shunning those who are different. The soccer moms with their little tennis skirts, visors and pastel tops (lady, trust me, you are not as cute in that as you think). The kid alone on the sofa with his iPad. The hipsters who don’t think they are hipsters pretending to write important literary works of genius on their laptops. I am actually not entirely sure any of these these people are customers. They may be part of the decor and were hired by Starbucks to hang out.

Kind of like standardized restaurants that are exactly the same no matter which one you go to so you feel comfortable even when out of town. And to make you think “Hey, this is a crowded popular place, it must be awesome!” Crap. Now I am creeped out by Starbucks using people as decorations. I guess it is just as well. I am getting tired of the same drink after all these years, and the last thing I need is decor judging my ability to order coffee.


One thought on “My Secret Starbucks Shame

  1. I sort of tend to stay away from coffee places mostly because I don’t drink coffee. However, I’ve gone Non-hipster Hipster on Starbucks. When I do have to be there, I am always very adamant when I order things. I say, “HI! How are you this evening? Great, great. Ok, may I please have a medium-sized hot tea? Black. Nothing in it. Thanks!” then they’ll try to confirm using their lingo and I am always very staunch in my smiley response, “Whatever. As long as it’s hot black tea in a medium-sized cup, I’m good. Thanks!”
    Not only is it fun, but it makes everyone else in the place go all, “Whaaa?” and look at you without looking at you. Then you can smile around to all, wave the little fingery wave, and traipse over to the waiting station.
    After all, the world works easier if you just call a spade a spade, a small-sized “small-sized” and stop with all the frippernany.

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