Anxiety Attack – I will probably delete this blog entry because it makes me sound crazy.

I hate it when this happens. I want so badly just to make a blog that people can read, and smile about, but then moments like these occur. This is the thing about having GAD that can become so crippling. Not that these attacks will necessarily send people away screaming, but the fear of what will happen if I let people see the madness flowing through my brain during an attack that was brought on by nothing at all.

One moment I am innocently putting together silly posts for my friends to glance at and maybe have a quick laugh before going back to something more entertaining, and the next, I am an emotional wreck. My whole psyche becoming a raw, exposed nerve, that can’t be hidden from the horrors of being exposed to the world. I see all of the people around me (online in this case) smiling, and laughing, going about their daily lives and I just wish I could do that. Then I am struck with an attack. The very reason I am afraid to put myself out there publicly. There is no specific triggers (most of the time). And I spend every moment I am around other people fighting the fear of someone realizing what a mess I am, that by the end of the day, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.

So I look at my blog and think “I want to make people smile. I want to make people laugh. I want to make something people enjoy reading, but all I can think is how terrified I am right now at just about anything. Who wants to read about that? How is that fun?” Then it grows, fear and trepidation feeding on itself. The very things I fear begin to create the very situation I am trying to overcome, until the downward spiral of fear and anxiety become so overwhelming, that all I want to do is scream, and hide. But what I want to run from, the thing I want to hide from is the very thing I I can never escape. Myself.

Imagine having that one thing you want to get away from, flailing your arms and screaming “Get it off! Get it off!” isn’t a spider, or some other creepy thing, but it is you. It is your own mind. Your own consciousness. When your worst fear is you, how do you escape? So I crawl into bed, hoping it will pass, or that exhaustion will overtake the anxiety, and I will slip into unconsciousness. So as I write this, I face the ever growing fear that anxiety will always rule my life. That the very things I want (no matter how simple) will remain out of reach because I am broken. That my simple little geeky blog that makes me excited and happy when I see I have 20 hits for the day will be ruined, because of a post like this one.

So I am trapped. Between the need to be normal, and the need to express what I am feeling. Scared that sharing these fears, and the parts of me that are broken will not only keep me from the things I want in my daily life, but also destroy simple pleasures like my little blog, because I am broken. This ranting bit madness you see here is a tiny glimpse of what it is like when the anxiety takes over. The writing is trimmed down, and shows only a small percentage of the things flooding my brain. The fear. The anxiety. The depression. But I am already scared that showing just this little bit of rambling and nonsensical attempt to show what it is like to live with GAD will simply make people think I am crazy, and drive them away. So I am left with the thought, do I keep it to myself, and try to wear that mask of normalcy that is such a constant in my life so my blog stays happy and fun for others, or do I say what I feel?

I will likely let that question drive me to delete this entry soon.

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5 thoughts on “Anxiety Attack – I will probably delete this blog entry because it makes me sound crazy.

  1. 1. I know you’re a mess and I’d still get drunk with you. 2. I’m a mess too, I just have no talent for writing. If you ever want to know what the inside of my head is like, we can always compare and contrast the crazy. 3. I read this and I’ll be back tomorrow. So, there you go.

    • 1. I’m game. Let’s put this together.
      2. This could be part of #1.
      3. Thank you for not running away, or gathering a mob to chase me with torches. I hear that sucks.

      I appreciate all of this. It is sometimes hard to accept there are people that understand what it is like,

  2. Please don’t delete it; you are not alone!! You have lots of company in the IT community, as a blogger, and as a Twitterer (a Twit? lol). And just generally as a human being! One of my “hobbies” is collecting trivia on celebrities’ mental health diagnoses. It makes me feel a bit better, hopeful, to see people who have struggled with the same demons I have and come out on top. I find a lot of this info via Twitter. Once in a while a celeb will write a flurry of confessional tweets regarding their struggle with depression, anxiety, manic depression, alcoholism, etc. Here are some who are “out” about their conditions:

    Stephen Fry (manic depression)
    John Moe (depression)
    Rob Delaney (alcoholism & depression)
    Jenny Lawson (depression, anxiety, you name it)
    Russell Brand (manic depression)
    Robbie Williams (manic depression)
    Carrie Fisher (manic depression)
    Bill Corbett (depression)
    Allie Brosh (depression)
    Peter Serafinowicz (depression)

    And then there are the regular people like me: depression, anxiety, and panic attacks, all made worse by losing my job and my friends last year over…guess what?…missing work for depression, anxiety, and panic attacks!

    So while I would never wish these disorders on anyone, I think it is important to share our experiences. The more we talk about it, the more educated those who are fortunate enough to never experience it can be. Also, it provides hope and tells people who care, “Hey, I need help,” even if the help is just a smile and a kind word.

    • It is taking everything I have to leave this post up for people to read. My head keeps telling me “Take that down, you idiot? Who is going to read your stupid geeky posts if they come here and see the blog is run by… YOU?! You are a moron.” But, maybe you are right. I don’t know that my rantings could help anyone, but I will keep it posted. Thanks Deana.

  3. No, leave the post up.
    Ok, I have no idea why you’d do what I say, but trust me (haha! I’m bossing you around sans authority AGAIN!) Leave it up both for Future You and for people who feel like This-Post You. Sharing is caring, and all, and it’s better to help those who need to read this than it is to worry about those who might be turned-off.
    But, dude, really – you’re not broken. Yeah, I know, again who am I to say that; I don’t even know you. So on and so forth.
    But that’s just the thing. I don’t know you but I know that GAD does not equal broken. Neither does bi-polar disorder. Neither does Asperberger’s. Neither does multiple personality disorder. There IS no broken…unless there’s a cast and giant hospital bills involved. We’re people. Humans. We didn’t come out of a bakery, pre-cut out of pre-made dough. Disorders aren’t disorders. They’re just a different way of being put together. That sounds super Pollyanna. I know that. But we’ve got a big problem, here. Our culture, our society, it wants to have a median, an area that, if you fall within the boundaries, means you are a normal citizen, capable of doing what citizens can and should do within the framework of said culture/society. Most people can fit themselves into those boundaries especially if they just happen to “forget” this quirk or that little thing. But the truth is, everyone is made of all this different stuff that turns them into a whole person (whether or not each person feels whole is another story). Every person has talents and handicaps and one usually involves the other. The things that hold you back are probably directly related to the things you do best.
    My husband is bi-polar. Because he gets manic, he has this amazing creative energy that wouldn’t happen otherwise. A close friend of mine is full of GAD; as a result, her superpower is extreme organization from the most minute detail up to the biggest picture. I could go on with more examples. The thing tying these people together is that they don’t react to their environment or to themselves or to anything, come to think of it, the way we’re all indoctrinated to believe is correct. Like you, some don’t like to be touched. That means people like me, who used to hate to be touched but who also understands the power of touch, must learn to ask, “Hey, are you up for a hug?” or “I’m going to touch your arm for a second” before touching. We all have to learn how to work with others; why is this any different?
    When I get famous (for whatever reason) and everyone wants to hear what I have to say, I’m going to write a book about how there is no normal and we need to stop forcing people to compare themselves with societal ideals and, instead, figure out how to keep the handicaps from slowing everyone down while encouraging the use of their superpowers. And this isn’t the place to start on the good vs evil thing. I’m just generalizing.
    And then the true average people, those few who really do fall within those boundaries, are going to feel really sad because they don’t have any amazing abilities and they’ll realize they’re actually pretty boring. 😦
    I’m done with my preaching. I’ll stop. But please leave your post up. Please?

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