I hate it when this happens. I want so badly just to make a blog that people can read, and smile about, but then moments like these occur. This is the thing about having GAD that can become so crippling. Not that these attacks will necessarily send people away screaming, but the fear of what will happen if I let people see the madness flowing through my brain during an attack that was brought on by nothing at all.
One moment I am innocently putting together silly posts for my friends to glance at and maybe have a quick laugh before going back to something more entertaining, and the next, I am an emotional wreck. My whole psyche becoming a raw, exposed nerve, that can’t be hidden from the horrors of being exposed to the world. I see all of the people around me (online in this case) smiling, and laughing, going about their daily lives and I just wish I could do that. Then I am struck with an attack. The very reason I am afraid to put myself out there publicly. There is no specific triggers (most of the time). And I spend every moment I am around other people fighting the fear of someone realizing what a mess I am, that by the end of the day, I am mentally and emotionally exhausted.
So I look at my blog and think “I want to make people smile. I want to make people laugh. I want to make something people enjoy reading, but all I can think is how terrified I am right now at just about anything. Who wants to read about that? How is that fun?” Then it grows, fear and trepidation feeding on itself. The very things I fear begin to create the very situation I am trying to overcome, until the downward spiral of fear and anxiety become so overwhelming, that all I want to do is scream, and hide. But what I want to run from, the thing I want to hide from is the very thing I I can never escape. Myself.
Imagine having that one thing you want to get away from, flailing your arms and screaming “Get it off! Get it off!” isn’t a spider, or some other creepy thing, but it is you. It is your own mind. Your own consciousness. When your worst fear is you, how do you escape? So I crawl into bed, hoping it will pass, or that exhaustion will overtake the anxiety, and I will slip into unconsciousness. So as I write this, I face the ever growing fear that anxiety will always rule my life. That the very things I want (no matter how simple) will remain out of reach because I am broken. That my simple little geeky blog that makes me excited and happy when I see I have 20 hits for the day will be ruined, because of a post like this one.
So I am trapped. Between the need to be normal, and the need to express what I am feeling. Scared that sharing these fears, and the parts of me that are broken will not only keep me from the things I want in my daily life, but also destroy simple pleasures like my little blog, because I am broken. This ranting bit madness you see here is a tiny glimpse of what it is like when the anxiety takes over. The writing is trimmed down, and shows only a small percentage of the things flooding my brain. The fear. The anxiety. The depression. But I am already scared that showing just this little bit of rambling and nonsensical attempt to show what it is like to live with GAD will simply make people think I am crazy, and drive them away. So I am left with the thought, do I keep it to myself, and try to wear that mask of normalcy that is such a constant in my life so my blog stays happy and fun for others, or do I say what I feel?
I will likely let that question drive me to delete this entry soon.