Open Letters to Stupid People

Dear Tire Spinning Guy,

We were all very glad to hear recently that you are doing well. I was casually walking down the street talking to a friend when I got the good news. The ear splitting sound of tires spinning on pavement was like a trumpet announcing both your arrival and your departure.

We were all so very proud at that moment to know that you had found the gas pedal. It takes a great deal of skill and accomplishment to be able to push a pedal down with your foot, and we are all so very proud of you. Not just anybody with a foot can press down on a pedal, and you showed great skill by doing so. We were not only impressed with your great skill and ability, but with your childish need for attention saying “Hey everyone! Look at me! I figure out which pedal makes the car go! It makes me impressive, right?!”

So thank you for sharing your skills in pushing things with your foot, and interrupting other peoples meals, conversations and general lives to show us how special you are. Especially at 2 in the morning.

Sincerely,
Me

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